Midget sex pt 2 tonight
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Couch. On fire.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
