Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
