I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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