I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
