There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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