My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We need to feng shui this bitch.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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