It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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