If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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