What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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