I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
