I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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