she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
