I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize