apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
