Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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