I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
