mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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