I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize