whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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