The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
