Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
