you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
