took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
