The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
