I cannot find my penis.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
