My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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