Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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