We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We are all done wearing pants today
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
