Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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