What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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