we're chasing vodka with high fives
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
