So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
