Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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