every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize