Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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