She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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