Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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