I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
