i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
