her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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