every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He did a backflip because drugs
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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