goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
