just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
