oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
