I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
