don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
