please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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