Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize