I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
