Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
