There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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