So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
