Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
