Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
