Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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