Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
