you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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