Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
