You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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